It’s Not A Goodbye But A See You Later

20160920_172951.jpgIf your heart’s not in it, you won’t committ to it. And if you’re not committed, it will show.

I’ve tried to keep up with this blogsite for months now. I would normally come up with an idea, write the damn blogpost only to find myself procrastinating. And by now, I’ve learned that procrastination is a form of not being fully committed to the thing you’re trying to accomplish. Because if something’s truly of importance; you’ll find the time, energy and resources to get it done. Alas, I’m not committed – at least not fully. Not at this point of my life.

I started this blog back in 2015. I was at low point in my life, attempting to beat depression and anxiety. I was desperate to be heard and wanted to convey my emotions to written words. So I started soul searching through writing and the journey of an unbroken spirit began.

I’ve learned and I’ve grown these past years. Truly, the pain I felt back then became my strength today.

Today’s pain is tomorrow’s strength. And today’s mistakes are tomorrow’s wisdom.

I’ve been going back and forth these past months but eventually landed on a decission; to let “aminaberg” go (I’ll eventually delete it, just not yet). It’s been an amazing journey. I hope I’ve inspired at least one person out there. You’ve all been amazing and for that thank you!

Why? I’m choosing to move on to new projects. I’m writing a book that I’m now comfortable writing. I’ve started a small business. I’m raising my three beautifull children. Basically, I’m evolving, learning and being Habby. I’m not afraid of being myself and I don’t hide in plain sight anymore. I’m in a good place whilst juggling life – the good and the bad. But mostly focusing on the good.

To all battling life out there:

You’re stronger, wiser and more capable than what you believe.
Hang in there, it gets better.

If you want to connect with me, see what I’m up to or curious to who I am – you’ll find me on Instagram: @_fearlesshabby_ – hope to see you there!

For now, this is not a goodbye but a see you later.

Love,

A.B. (Habby)

 

 

 

It’s Been Awhile & I Apologize

It’s funny how time passes by and just recently, I realized that it’s been awhile since I last updated my blog.

And for that I apologize!

So what have I been up to.

Well, the never-ending task of finding myself yet again, after baby number three.

Deciding on which path to take and which to turn my back on.

However, I’m embracing change. I’m putting myself out there. I’ve stopped hiding in plain sight.

Maternal leave came to an end and reality kicked in. Hence ‘finding myself‘… But I’m enjoying life, living and laughing.

In July I collaborated with Rachel Hanson and wrote a blog post for her on “having it all“. Check out the link below and her site for more interesting readings.

Having It All – A Modern Curse & Blessing

I’m not sure what the future holds, but I can say that writing and blogging will most likely be a part of my journey. Hopefully I can figure out a schedule that works for me in the fall and onwards.

In the meantime, I wish you all a wonderful summer!

Love,

A.B.

Every Battle Can Not Be Won

soulsearching

The idea with this segment “Soul Searching Through Writing” is to share words written in the moment as I felt them, then or now. Share writings from my journals without any filter. Words I spent time writing to find whatever I was looking for or still looking for. In no particular order or category.

September 30th 2016:

There comes a moment when my emotions challenge my every movement and rock the ground I walk on. I then lose all hope and find myself questioning my existence. In the whirlwind of life, fear is present and the mind becomes fragile by the tales of life’s despairs.

As my emotions take the best of me, I’m begging for the strength to carry on. To find the will to face obstacles put in front of me. Yet, during my downswings I have faith that there is meaning even when meaningless acts are thrown at my direction. Then challenging my indecisive mind.

I search for perseverance on the journey of self-discovery. I pray that fear will serve as a guideline rather than a diminisher for all hope. But in fearful moments I witness my self-destructed ways poisoning my sources of merriment. Thus feeding every negative seed ever planted and groomed.

But in fairness of living, I understand every battle cannot be won. Still, I seek victory in life’s battlefields and the confidence to accept while being. And despite hardship I hope that I am able to carry on with life as it holds my hand, guide me to truthfulness and usher its wonders. For in all sensibility, I wish to exist in the uniqueness that is me.

To do so, I battle the struggles in the now and emotions of the past in order to conquest the future. My future.

 

– A.B.

My Break From Chaos & The Challenges of Being A Mom

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A lot has changed since fall 2016. I’m one child richer, I have more gray hair (+ extra bodyweight!) and more exhausted than ever. I could sugarcoat everything and say life is just GREAT (I’m on cloud nine, 24/7), I’m great and everything is great! I could say, I don’t miss sleep or the idea of just having the sofa to myself, with no child clinging to me. I could say a lot of things.

But in all honesty, I haven’t been able to keep up with everything (hence my absence here). I mean, what human being can?! Sometimes, something’s gotta give. I’ve tried keeping up several times but failed miserably. Between sleepless nights, cries, worries and tantrums, I’m in awe that we (mothers/parents) manage to raise (hopefully functioning) human beings.

Motherhood is the best and most challenging thing that has happened to me. The rewards are endless!

After almost 10 months, my maternal leave is now over. It’s the end of an era; I’m out of the bubble and back to socializing with other grown ups. And back to my night shift routine. I’m back to a place where my entire day, time and attention doesn’t involve diaper change, spit-ups and worrying. I’m back to owning my boobs.

Nothing is 100% without fault. I love my children. My family. I enjoy different aspects of my responsibilities and life.

But life with kids can be challenging and chaotic at times. Therefor, being back to (night) work gives me a break and time out.

A break from chaos. Time to focus on my own thoughts and creativity. And an opportunity to regroup, so when I go back to the role of “mommy” I’m calm and collected with my sanity intact.
– A.B

Ready To Change, Hello 2018

img_20170222_083923.jpgI say goodbye to 2017. It’s been crappy, life changing and challenging, yet it’s given me memorable moments. and gifted me with much love.

However, looking back, I wouldn’t be the person I am today without those “crappy” experiences and emotions.

I’ve truly fought a battle and came out alive. I survived even though I felt my world was turned upside down. It all sounds a bit dramatic but in all honesty; I was at my lowest point halfway through 2017. I fought no one but my inner thoughts, emotions and demons. I fought hard and it all seemed never-ending.

Nonetheless, it is said that with every pain and through every turmoils there’s knowledge, and there’s always a glimpse (even several) of happy moments. 

Last year had it all: tears, laughter, anger, crazy hormones, fatigue, depression, more tears, shock, more anger. The list goes on and I could go on. Looking back; in the moments I felt my worst I had to accept what is. I was pregnant, I felt crappy, depressed and could barely move around. So with accepting my situation, I learned to not take anything for granted and of course, learn to rest on bad days.

I had to let go of guilt and remind myself (over and over) that I’m only human and there’s  usually light at the end of the tunnel. My “light” was my due-date.

I’ve missed writing. I’ve missed being creative. I’ve missed being me again. I’m hopeful but far from satisfied with every aspect of my personal life and spirituality. I lost small pieces of me along the way whilst putting out fires and creating stability but now I yearn to find me again.

I don’t necessarily have new year resolutions, however, I realize that there are areas in my life that need improving or change – for example; my writing and blogging journey.

The wisdom I take with me in the new year is the fact that I can’t change everything all at once and I can’t control everything. So in the end, “que sera, sera” but change is always unavoidable.
With love,


A.B. small

You’ll Get There, Eventually

Forgive me for my absence. 

However, it has not been for no (good) reason. I write alot about life and once again life proves to be a funny thing full with surprises and lots of OMG moments.

Forrest Gump (or to be fair, his mother) said it so well : ”Life was like a box of chocolate. You never know what you’re gonna get.”

For the past nine months I’ve gone through a though (unexpected) pregnancy with depression as a companion. Four weeks ago, I gave birth to a beautifull baby girl. Scary enough, I’m now a mother of three and life as a mother (parent) is nothing but boring.

Although, I write this in a good state of mind with my baby asleep in my arms, I can’t promise that I’ll be able to be consistent with my blog. As much as I enjoy writing, it’s not always possible for me to find time, space and the conscious to wander off to writing mode.

I don’t stress though. I tell myself «You’ll get there eventually.» Destination unknown, nevertheless, to where I want or need to be.

Stay stunned for more… The journey continues!

Love,

– A.B. –

Whithin An Instant Moment

soulsearching

I’ve been gone for a while. But still, behind closed doors I’ve been writing, soul searching and living life as it was meant for me, for now. I carry with me new words, new experiences and new life lessons.

He will not cure me.

But for a moment, in his arms I felt love. Hope.
An antidote for my aching heart and broken spirit.

“It’s all going to be alright,” he whispered..

Simple words; in which I knew to be true. Somehow. Not because of him, nor rescued by him. My will was more persistent than any cure. At best, his love and words were a helping hand through it all.

 

With love,

– A.B. –

Proud To Be

riseconquer

***
I stand strong 

Proud to be
As I am praised 
For the insignificant
But I strive on
My mother’s struggles
Her legacy;
Reminding me of what I am
Who I am in the eye of man
But also who I ought to be
I am today’s woman;
Capable and mighty
In every step I take
I stand and I strive
I am proud to be

****

-A.B.-

​A Broken Record Player

soulsearching

It has taken me over a month to get here. Losing count of how many breakdowns and crisis I’ve gone through. I’ve been wandering off but getting nowhere. Staring at a blank page but whatever it is, it chooses to keep silent. And like a broken record, I remain untouched.

I feel trapped. Not lost, for somehow reason seems to follow me as it battles to keep me sane. Where do I go from here? A reasonable question as time becones both my enemy and friend.

I don’t know where I’m headed but I’m waiting. Waiting for my destination as I live each moment with every emotion and thought. But whatever I’m headed seem far ahead…too far as if time has chosen to stop and I, catching my breath in the shadows.

I ask, what’s wrong with me? I break down at the thought of my imperfections. Listing my failures …I can’t seem to break free, I’m a prisoner of my thoughts, thus holding the key to freedom. Alas, it all comes back to sensibility.

Honestly, I ask, how on earth I managed to get here. Forgetting that life…oh, life, It’s bigger than any ‘hows’. Beside, asking how has so far got me nowhere.

So what’s next? Oh, I wish I knew. I may have a broken record player, but my melodies still remain to play.

-A.B.-