It’s Been Awhile & I Apologize

It’s funny how time passes by and just recently, I realized that it’s been awhile since I last updated my blog.

And for that I apologize!

So what have I been up to.

Well, the never-ending task of finding myself yet again, after baby number three.

Deciding on which path to take and which to turn my back on.

However, I’m embracing change. I’m putting myself out there. I’ve stopped hiding in plain sight.

Maternal leave came to an end and reality kicked in. Hence ‘finding myself‘… But I’m enjoying life, living and laughing.

In July I collaborated with Rachel Hanson and wrote a blog post for her on “having it all“. Check out the link below and her site for more interesting readings.

Having It All – A Modern Curse & Blessing

I’m not sure what the future holds, but I can say that writing and blogging will most likely be a part of my journey. Hopefully I can figure out a schedule that works for me in the fall and onwards.

In the meantime, I wish you all a wonderful summer!

Love,

A.B.

Every Battle Can Not Be Won

soulsearching

The idea with this segment “Soul Searching Through Writing” is to share words written in the moment as I felt them, then or now. Share writings from my journals without any filter. Words I spent time writing to find whatever I was looking for or still looking for. In no particular order or category.

September 30th 2016:

There comes a moment when my emotions challenge my every movement and rock the ground I walk on. I then lose all hope and find myself questioning my existence. In the whirlwind of life, fear is present and the mind becomes fragile by the tales of life’s despairs.

As my emotions take the best of me, I’m begging for the strength to carry on. To find the will to face obstacles put in front of me. Yet, during my downswings I have faith that there is meaning even when meaningless acts are thrown at my direction. Then challenging my indecisive mind.

I search for perseverance on the journey of self-discovery. I pray that fear will serve as a guideline rather than a diminisher for all hope. But in fearful moments I witness my self-destructed ways poisoning my sources of merriment. Thus feeding every negative seed ever planted and groomed.

But in fairness of living, I understand every battle cannot be won. Still, I seek victory in life’s battlefields and the confidence to accept while being. And despite hardship I hope that I am able to carry on with life as it holds my hand, guide me to truthfulness and usher its wonders. For in all sensibility, I wish to exist in the uniqueness that is me.

To do so, I battle the struggles in the now and emotions of the past in order to conquest the future. My future.

 

– A.B.

Noticing The Positive Side of Events

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I’ve been missing in action this past week and I’m pretty sure my time onwards will be unpredictable. For once again, I get to experience how life can change and alter this so called journey we’re all on. Either in a negative or positive sense.

This is truly the journey of an unbroken spirit but I feel I’m being tested these days. I don’t have the capacity to do it all. I don’t have the ability to push through which means what I can do is rest and take it all day by day until the reward itself. Eventually, I’ll be able to share my experience and lessons. For the time being, I need to figure out some things and once again alter my reality.

But life is life, I’m learning each day that even if things don’t go according to plan, it’s important to notice the positive side of events. Notice the lessons and the opportunities for self growth.

For when life changes its course it presents us with new possibilities!

I’ll try to post at least once a week for realistically it’s the best I can do. Please, bare with me!

With lots of love,

-A.B.-

Life in a Nutshell

Storm

These days I chose to prepare for my grammar exam and find tranquility in stressful times. So this blog post is a post to reflect on the journey so called life along with the challenges it presents rather than anything new per se.

And to be honest, I’ve been so occupied with everything that’s going on in my life to the point that I haven’t even had the time to process the thought of preparing or writing today’s post.

Along with a mental breakdown you discover that you just can’t control everything, and how quickly things can change from one moment to another.

But then again, that’s life in a nutshell!

Positively, you learn in life how to handle different circumstances, difficulties and challenges. Considering how we human beings go through various of ‘ups’ and ‘downs’ in the course of a single life span, we still don’t possess the ability to predict the future with certainty, therefore, making it almost impossible to be completed prepared for any storm that may come. But you also learn how to cope with the downswings.

So even when it feels like my life has been turned upside down, and that my emotions, misfortunes and certain events have caught and sent me in a whirlwind of lunacy, I still have to find a way to maneuver my way through it all – even when I can’t seem to find the strength to do so. However, through my turmoils I can choose my battles and challenges with great care.

However, what gives me comfort is the thought that it’s all temporary. And you learn to handle what needs to be done.

Happy Wednesday!

-A.B.

#LinkYourLife Challenge: Day 15 – ‘What I’m Proud of’

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Day 15: What are you proud of?

I don’t fear getting old but I fear not achieving the things I’ve set out to do in life. But I’m grateful for the things I’ve achieved so far in life or even attempted and not to forget, proud of my resilient ways.

Education
It’s something some take for granted in this country and probably in other developed countries. However, it’s always been an important goal in my family and something that I’ve aspired to achieve in life – for myself and for my family. And of course, I’m proud to be the only one in my family who have achieved just that, a higher education.

Motherhood & Family
I became a mother at the age of 21. It was not easy juggling motherhood and other responsibilities but I don’t regret it for I’m proud of the experiences and lessons it has taught me. But mostly I’m proud of my two beautiful sons who manage to fill me with joy every single day, love and a sense of pride, even when I feel like locking myself in a room to get away.

I’m proud of my family, especially my mother. You can read why, here and here.

Tenacity & Perseverance
This last one may sound a bit egotistical to some but I’m proud of myself and my ability to not give up even when life challenges me left and right. I’m pretty sure it’s my tenacity mindset and perseverance that’s got me here. Challenges such as poverty, witness/victim of domestic violence as a child, sexual abuse, rape and so on did not put a stop on my will to carry on. I could’ve given up and many times I’ve wanted to thinking that my life was completely worthless, that I was worthless. Looking back I’m surprised that my life didn’t turn out completely different or in a way more messy and out of control. Now, of course some of my experiences have left behind certain scars but I’ve somehow persevered.

Nonetheless, I’m still standing and unbroken, what’s not to be proud of?!

Happy Monday,

-A.B.-

 

 

Before Society Told Me Who I Should Be

beforeI was a rebel without a cause, permitted to rise in opposition. I was brave. I was unique. I had the world at my feet and could become whatever I wanted to be. Then, with actions reflecting a childlike innocence, exploring became a sport. I was fearless thus encouraged to face my fears or leave them behind.

For in the eye of a child, everything seems possible as one attempts to conquer the world.

All before the outside world, life and society imprinted its preconceived ideas about who, what and where. In changing eras making innocence a victim in a world in motion, with each era different from the previous.

I was born oblivious of how the world operates. Safe in the arms of my mother, I knew of no real hardship. My turmoil in my innocent life consisted of boredom, challenging my creativity. Before society gradually revealed its true colors I was an innocent being who knew too little of reality.

We are all born innocent until society makes its mark – with the good, the bad and the ugly. All in which we all play a role in. For we are society and we are all guilty of something.

In total oblivion and absolute certainty, I could say that the world I knew as a child had no fault. I was sheltered to protect my innocence.

I was young and care free, as children should be. I knew of no heartfelt sadness as well as the downswings of life – at least, not the kind that I could not bounce back from with a simple warm and gentle hug or comfort.

As someone in the making – learning by living, I was understood hence excused of all mistakes. I was both right and wrong, either way, I was accepted for who I was.

I was allowed the honor brutal honesty, be playful yet praised for my imagination. Before the raptured of society’s opinion, I was reminded of my uniqueness.

From oblivious and innocence to slowly learning and discovering, I measured myself to the ‘rules’, assumptions and  beliefs.

Today we fight in society’s spotlight where the winner is rewarded the power to define what should and what shouldn’t.

As an adult, I seem to have forgotten my uniqueness while insecurity puts its handcuffs keeping me under control. My thoughts, assumptions and beliefs – some designed by society – sends me in a spiral of negativity. Attempting to rise above I keep drowning in an ocean of judgements reminding me that before society told me who I should be I was good enough.

Most important – I was me.

The Journey of Writing Fiction – ‘Five Difficulties’

writingAs much as I love writing, is just all so overwhelming; the idea of achieving what at times seems impossible and persevering. Desperate moments occurs filled with anticipation; I search vigorously for signs to convince the mind it’s all worth it. The heart is on board but the mind/thoughts may need work from time to time.

Some writers do manage to have a romantic approach to writing. Whilst some mainly focus on the positive side of it all, which is a great way to get through the journey and get some writing done. Or even to meet your end goals. However, reality eventually kicks in – making the journey overwhelming and terrifying, along with the writer ready to admit defeat.

The process of writing is resembling more or less like the journey of life, with its ups and downs, its good time and bad time. However, like life we fight through bad days (bad writings!) and find light at the end of the tunnel or even a taste of inspiration and of course motivation. Since quitting is not an option.

A newbie like myself can easily be discouraged and seek a way out. However, that’s not the case most of the time. The challenge is actually believing it’s possible to reach an end result. As well as having faith that it’s all possible despite the long and wary journey.

I’ve encountered many difficulties on the journey of fiction writing that I need to adjust to or just come up with a better plan. My top five, so far…

Finding the time is a logistic problem that needs solving. As I consider myself a type A person, I can discard the idea or thought of waking up early (basically in the middle of the night) to write. I’m no early bird and I hate coffee, so forget it. Planning is crucial or else I can forget dreaming/hoping to even  write a novel. I have to plan ahead, mostly plan a whole weekend of writing. Writing everyday don’t always fit in the family’s routines. However, there is no point of planning if one don’t stick to the plan! And then there was the ‘where’ to write, can’t write at cafés; I get easily distracted.

Writer’s block (it’s real btw), when you want to write but nothing seem to come out. Picture this: you’re motivated. You sit your ‘behind’ down in hopes that the words will automatically find they way out. You know you should be writing but the words seem stuck somewhere. Your fingers are frozen right above the keyboard ready for action. You press any alphabetical letter just to make sure everything’s functioning but they are. Next, the revelation that your mind is blank! Following acceptance! One word: hell! My approach or solution? READ or watch a movie!

Motivation is needed but not always present. Not for not wanting to write but for being either exhausted after a long day of hard work, dealing with people’s complaints and problems. A job that actually pays the bills! And then, there’s fighting the urge to just catch up with some reading or TV (guilty pleasures!). But connecting with other writers helps and motivates, knowing I’m not alone provides motivation. Pluss inspirational quotes here and there doesn’t hurt!

From a previous weekend inspiration post – Motivation:

There is also motivation in doing what you love! Writing is proving to to be harder for each attempt I make. Now and then I have to remind myself and believe in my own abilities;  … 

Faith in my abilities and not to mention believing in the impossible is a struggle with huge consequences, such as giving up. With so many writers and aspiring authors in all over, it’s common knowledge that writing a book is not completely impossible. I know that! But when you embark on such a journey it all seems impossible and the end result seems far away, near unattainable. We’re talking thousands of words being put on paper and after that comes a whole new process.

Criticism is like someone voicing (or writing) their opinion on whatever that is wrong with your “baby” (no matter how reasonable), and you just have to listen and take notes. You take it all in because you want to learn and evolve as a writer. I take it like a champion! Well, crap – it sucks and it’s like sticking a blade in my chest. But I survive (not the end of the world), move on and accept there is more to come.

Happy Wednesday (happy writing!)