You get up. You try again. But whatever you do, you don’t give up.
It has taken me over a month to get here. Losing count of how many breakdowns and crisis I’ve gone through. I’ve been wandering off but getting nowhere. Staring at a blank page but whatever it is, it chooses to keep silent. And like a broken record, I remain untouched.
I feel trapped. Not lost, for somehow reason seems to follow me as it battles to keep me sane. Where do I go from here? A reasonable question as time becones both my enemy and friend.
I don’t know where I’m headed but I’m waiting. Waiting for my destination as I live each moment with every emotion and thought. But whatever I’m headed seem far ahead…too far as if time has chosen to stop and I, catching my breath in the shadows.
I ask, what’s wrong with me? I break down at the thought of my imperfections. Listing my failures …I can’t seem to break free, I’m a prisoner of my thoughts, thus holding the key to freedom. Alas, it all comes back to sensibility.
Honestly, I ask, how on earth I managed to get here. Forgetting that life…oh, life, It’s bigger than any ‘hows’. Beside, asking how has so far got me nowhere.
So what’s next? Oh, I wish I knew. I may have a broken record player, but my melodies still remain to play.
The following piece was written and published two years ago. At the time I was going through the emotions and taking life day by day. Although, I feel that I’ve come a long way, there are still moments when I feel I’m still scavenging through life, which is not necessarily a bad thing.
I choose to repost it because, although, it’s been two years the words are still relevant. Life is not easy and it’s not suppose to be either. Nevertheless, as I scavenge through I remind myself that the challenges of life does not define me but rather teach me the (valuable) lessons of life. I am who I am. I’m unique. We all are. I try to focus on the good things in life. I’m grateful. I’m living today but learning for tommorow.
– Posted March 20, 2015 –
I believe we’re all unique, our journey is not what makes us stand out as individuals but how we react and handle our misfortunes.
My story and experiences are probably not so unique for most people but my story is not what makes me unique, is the person I am – body, mind and soul. Born into poverty, going through lost, abuse and rape, in addition, having to live an unstable life was a part of my journey. I can’t look at it in any other way. Therefore, it’s become more and more clear to me that my past was intended for me, no matter how painful it all was and sometime is. Nevertheless, without my disturbances and turbulences I wouldn’t be the person nor where I am today.
I’m grateful for the opportunities I’ve been given – I can even go as far and say, I’m also grateful for the life and experiences I’ve been given. But mostly grateful for having a mother who managed to do (alone!) everything in her power to provide a better life and future for the both of us. No matter how difficult it all was, she never gave up. She prayed, visualized and acted on the choices given to her.
For a long time I spent my energy figuring out and asking why it all happened to me (us), when the more correct approach for me would have been; it all happened, my past is my own. Now, how can I use it? I guess, better late than never, right?
Having to go through many challenges in my life – good and bad, there’s two things most of my experiences have in common, which is the lessons they’ve all taught me (cause they’ve all taught something big or small) and that everything happens for a reason. We all know by now (or should know) that in every experience – good or bad, there’s a reason and lesson to be learned. We might not see the lesson while we’re experiencing but it’s always there and waiting to be received.
So for me, when something happens (mostly bad things) the knowledge of that there’s a lesson that will reveal itself makes me embrace and be aware of every moment of my turmoils. Now, I’m not saying it makes the problem or the particular challenge easy to deal with but in some type of form it gives me comfort knowing that nothing is in vain. Along the way in my journey I’ve discovered many of those reasons. So for me, the evidence is there.
“If you’re too busy questioning life, you’re not paying attention to what
the universe is trying to teach and reveal to you.”
– Amina Berg
I’ve come a long way, and even if I have more questions than answers at least I’m not afraid to explore and learn as I go along. Questioning life is not necessarily a bad thing, it just means you’re awake and aware but not paying attention in the other hand sabotages the experiencing and evolving part life and we risk missing out on the glues that life gives out.
I’ve stopped focusing and asking to many ‘why’-questions (e.g. ‘why me?”), because it blinded me to the answers that were at times right in front of me. Now, I practice asking ‘how’-questions. The biggest one of all: “how can I insert more meaning, happiness and purpose in my life?” Fortunately, I’m still learning and isn’t that what life is also about?
Wish you all a pleasant weekend!
Today I start with or without
I attempt to begin, my strive
Tomorrow I start where I left off
In a moment I convince the mind
To put aside all losses and despair
Alas, battle between armed forces
Reminded that, as I weep my pain
I thrive in my discovery
I am resilient.
I keep my shape.
First of all, I want to wish you all a happy new year. Time travels fast, I can’t believe it’s 2017!
The holiday for me has been about appreciating what I have whilst taking it all one day at a time. Although I’m still coping with certain challenges and emotions that needs to be sorted out, I’m also aware of what’s important and what isn’t.
I realize it’s been a while I’ve posted anything. Life happened as it always does near the end of 2016 and in an instant moment we were forced to embrace change and prepare ourselves for any ups and downs. Fortunately, someone close encouraged me to rekindle the fire and put pen to paper again. Therefore, I’ll be taking baby steps back in my writing bubble and do my best to post frequently.
Nevertheless, as much as I love and enjoy the art of writing, I know that I must not force it for the sake of likes and popularity. I must have something to say (to write), which I have but from experience the words come out when they are ready to come out.
I will eventually put to words what I’ve been through these past months – the bad side of it but also the joyful parts. Still, the journey still continues alongside everything else but I’m optimistic despite the ups and downs of life.
I prepared for a new chapter filled with gratitude for what has been and for what is. Now, I start a new chapter whilst acknowledging what matters in my life. I choose to work towards enjoyment, love, happiness and creating new memories. I discard what doesn’t serve any purpose, although I believe that no experience or acquaintance are wasted.
The new year will probably hold a few surprises here and there but hopefully most of them are good ones.
It’s a new and exciting chapter and it’s all about what matters in my life. Furthermore, I’m looking forward to share with you more of this journey so called life – past, present and furture!
Welcome to this week’s #LinkYourLife RoundUp Challenge. Here’s last week’s round-up to find out more info about this challenge and also to read the awesome work from other writers that was shared. To be honest, I had completely forgotten about this challenge but I am excited and honored to be selected for this week’s round up. Because my health, energy level and mindset is elsewhere, I haven’t been able to blog as often. However, I couldn’t disappoint for this week’s challenge. Hopefully, I haven’t left out anyone and that all the links work. If you would like to know more about the #LinkYourLife movement to connect and share through several online connections, see Shawna Ayoub Ainslie’s post on how “We Are Better Together.”
Now I present the following blog posts, essays and articles shared by writers from the #LinkYourLife community.
Linda shares an interesting interview with Los Angeles based photographer Nina Junger. While I know little about photography, I recommend this post for I find that it’s always inspiring to read about people’s journeys on pursuing their dreams and/or career choices/paths.
“My dream is to spend 2 years in Africa shooting tribes and animals. I’m very inspired by the rawness and openness of tribes and animals. I am drawn to that type of passion in my own photographs.” – An Interview with photographer Nina Junger
There is no doubt that the U.S. election has many people questioning the future and where humanity is heading. Many are afraid and from my point of view; with good reasons. However, what is even more heartbreaking in all of this, is the many children (mostly in the U.S.) living in fear of what is to come and the uncertainty in the aftermath.
Shawna shares a personal, heartbreaking and pragmatic post on the aftermath of the election, from a child’s perspective. This is truly an appropriate piece, in light of everything happening in the world right now, and as a woman of color with children of color I felt the many emotions in this piece;
“My tears came later, when my second son returned from school and told me how one of his classmates spent the day crying because he is afraid of being separated from his immigrant family. How devastating it is to live in a country full of humans who can so easily set your humanity aside based on your genetic or locational origin.” – Examining the Election Aftermath from a Child of Color’s Perspective
Thomas shares an encouraging post that challenges us to ask ourselves a legitimate question. A beautiful piece inspiring us to think what is important in life and what we wish to leave behind.
“Life is not about clothes, cars or money. It is also not about self-gratification, selfishness, or being self-absorbed. We tend to make life complicated when actually it is quite simple.” – What will your legacy be remembered for?
Lidy is away for NaNoWriMo 2016 (how I envy her but wish her good luck!). Therefore, she shares a guest post by blogger Fanni Suto @Fanni_Pumpkin, who writes and shares her experience and journey with writing and NaNoWriMo.
“I rolled up my sleeves and accepted the challenge. If I want to have kick-ass characters who can battle the whole world and come over every conflict I send in their way, I should start with triumphing over myself.” – November, Novels, No Sleep by Fanni Suto
Cheryl shares a wonderful message inspired by historian Vincent Harding. A message on society and our the important work each individual must go through. She writes:
“Vincent Harding said, <<We don’t need to pull our children out of the darkness but allow them to remain and be a light post in the darkness…This is how we liberate our communities.>> Our children need to find their own disciplines in this world.” – That Magnificent Madman Jesus
Rachel shares a short, yet sweet post and offers a parenting input on the innocence and honesty behind nakedness when raising her precious ones, and using skin-to-skin as a soothing element.
“Nakedness is comforting. When E got her two-month shots she cried and cried and cried. Nothing soothed her until we got skin-to-skin.” – Comfort and Strength
If you’re fearful or in shocked of today’s America. You’re not alone. Tessara shares a honest post on the harsh reality due to this year’s U.S. presidential election, in what that may seem like the end of the world for some. However, there is hope…
“My non-reaction has been confusing everyone around me. In a community turned upside down and storming with emotion, I am not… but I am determined. I understand your fear and anger, and I will hold space for you to grieve, and I will do the work of protecting and supporting and loving us, and I will try to mitigate the terrible impact of Trump’s presidency.” – The World is Ending – But It Isn’t
Charli shares a post consisting of short prompts (in 99 words) by various writers. The topic is fitting as for many perhaps the end is near?! The central point of the stories is an unexpected ending, fitting the chaos and recent events. She writes:
“It’s fitting that writers explored what the end means. While we might want satisfactory endings, the end can also surprise us or shake us. This week we explore the possibilities of the end we didn’t see coming.” – Beyond The End
It’s a honor to be a part of #LinkYourLife with such amazing and inspiring souls and writers. Hopefully, you will all take the time to appreciate these wonderful writers and #LinkYourLifers.
Wish you all a happy Friday and a pleasant weekend!
When you’re unable to function the way you’re used to, is when you realize how fortunate you were to begin with. When you’re trapped in you’re own body and missery, is when hope slowly evaporates. You see no end to you’re missery and what feels like suffering.
You feel the essence of you slowly drifting away. You feel no joy but the regret of taking it all for granted. Although you know relief is far yet prominent, you still find yourself drowning in despair. However, well aware, that in order to make it through the discomfort of your blessings you must persevere and stay hopeful. For there is no any other way but to take it all day by day.
Also in other words; “you can do it all, just not all at once.” No matter the phrase, I’m slowly understanding the meaning of both expression. For where I am in my life right now puts everything into perspective. Certain times and events in life opens and closes doors but unless you’ve sealed an entrance for any experience and aspiration, a possibilities still stands.
Admitting you can not do everything does not necessarily mean that you are not good enough but instead it expresses who you are as an individual. Also, admitting a fault takes strength and self-awareness to come to terms with your capabilities and abilities.
A new path presents itself in which I must explore, experience and live out furthermore. For that’s what you do when when life changes the course for you and leads you to a journey unclear and certainly not planned. Right?!
And, if faced with too much on your plate (like I have lately); it’s time to make a choice. Time to ask yourself the important questions.
In stressful times, my mantra used to be: ‘I can’t do it all.’ My first reaction would normally be an automatic negative response, which in my mind confirmed that I was a failure. ‘I’m not good enough!’
As women, some of us, have the notion that we have to be perfect and handle everything. Keep up with appearance and “competition”. I’m still not sure what kind of competition it is, when did I enter and where the hell the finish line is.
Now, I don’t contemplate defeat, I accept that I can’t do it all and have it all – at the same time. I accept that I’m not perfect but absolutely good enough.
Sensibility is hard to find sometime! But when it’s present I ask myself; what’s the worst thing that can happen if for example the house is a mess for a day or three? Or if I don’t get to post on my the way I used to? Well, nothing. Yeah, ok, my statistic will suffer but I will still remain in tact.
My aim should not be to please nor handle everything I think the world expects of me but be able to do what I’m able within reason capabilities and abilities. For I am who I am and that’s more than enough for today – tomorrow’s another different story.
I’ve been missing in action this past week and I’m pretty sure my time onwards will be unpredictable. For once again, I get to experience how life can change and alter this so called journey we’re all on. Either in a negative or positive sense.
This is truly the journey of an unbroken spirit but I feel I’m being tested these days. I don’t have the capacity to do it all. I don’t have the ability to push through which means what I can do is rest and take it all day by day until the reward itself. Eventually, I’ll be able to share my experience and lessons. For the time being, I need to figure out some things and once again alter my reality.
But life is life, I’m learning each day that even if things don’t go according to plan, it’s important to notice the positive side of events. Notice the lessons and the opportunities for self growth.
For when life changes its course it presents us with new possibilities!
I’ll try to post at least once a week for realistically it’s the best I can do. Please, bare with me!
With lots of love,
#22 – Previous parts in the serie can be found here. A weekly blog post where I share pieces of Mia’s story and journey (as I’m currently writing the novel!).
They say the truth will set you free, but they leave out the part where it’ll first hurt and shatter everything. I rather hold on to the lie a little while longer, for ignorance is bliss.
I need to point out, professionalism aside, it should be illegal for me to break bad news to people. Understandably, I end up choking on my words, like in this very moment. But in all honesty, I wish to slap her! One, for suggesting such idiotic idea – it would give me such pleasure as I’ve always wanted to unleash something on her, anything just to get her of my back. Two, for not even showing any kind of care and respect for the whole situation. But at 3 am and with everything going on, I simply don’t possess any ounce of stamina, capability to breath regularly or yet alone keep my balance. Trying to understand how she could suggest such lunacy is beyond what I can wrap my head around.
“I mean, since you know more about the whole situation!” she says with her phone still attached to her ear. Whilst holding the spirit and attitude of any typical mean girl (which does not suit a supposedly grown woman).
“I…” my attempt to say anything fails, my brain’s not even able to think straight. How can she even ask me. I desperately try to think of something that can get her of my case, for now. Sadly, I fail at that too. The desire to unleash my frustration lingers on, though.
“It’s not her responsibility to do your job, Sara. ”
The sudden sound of his voice behind me startles her. As for me, a sense of relief runs through my limbs and surprisingly, I notice my shoulders unknot and for what seems like a very long time without air, I can now breath again.
“Beside, I’m sure you’re more than capable to inform Emma’s father,” he frowns at her suggestion and the look on his face is serious and unrelenting. A new side of him I’ve yet witness, at work or private.
“You’re right, Nicholas. I’ll get to it!” she blurts out. And just like that the mean girl persona vanishes as she peels off back upstairs and disappears in the background.
“Sorry to keep you waiting, Linda” she says returning to the poor individual on the other line, and just like that as if she did or said nothing wrong.
He turns his face to me, and at one sight I notice his familiar smile which transforms his stern face and in an instant moment he’s the Nicholas I’ve come to know.
“Are you ok?” he asks, and in this moment, in his present there is hope, a familiar face to lean on and a closeness to give solace to my inconsolable heart. And with his hand on my, an instant touch, reality silently retreats as we stand against a background of sheltering chaos. But Emma still battles and the clock ticks as they now rush her to the hospital.
“Oh, God, I can’t go through it again…”
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