Every Battle Can Not Be Won

soulsearching

The idea with this segment “Soul Searching Through Writing” is to share words written in the moment as I felt them, then or now. Share writings from my journals without any filter. Words I spent time writing to find whatever I was looking for or still looking for. In no particular order or category.

September 30th 2016:

There comes a moment when my emotions challenge my every movement and rock the ground I walk on. I then lose all hope and find myself questioning my existence. In the whirlwind of life, fear is present and the mind becomes fragile by the tales of life’s despairs.

As my emotions take the best of me, I’m begging for the strength to carry on. To find the will to face obstacles put in front of me. Yet, during my downswings I have faith that there is meaning even when meaningless acts are thrown at my direction. Then challenging my indecisive mind.

I search for perseverance on the journey of self-discovery. I pray that fear will serve as a guideline rather than a diminisher for all hope. But in fearful moments I witness my self-destructed ways poisoning my sources of merriment. Thus feeding every negative seed ever planted and groomed.

But in fairness of living, I understand every battle cannot be won. Still, I seek victory in life’s battlefields and the confidence to accept while being. And despite hardship I hope that I am able to carry on with life as it holds my hand, guide me to truthfulness and usher its wonders. For in all sensibility, I wish to exist in the uniqueness that is me.

To do so, I battle the struggles in the now and emotions of the past in order to conquest the future. My future.

 

– A.B.

You Live, You Learn – It Goes On

wp-1463539381183.jpgThe days just go by, alas, I realize we’re not automatically granted a new day.

I’ve been so occupied with everything that’s going on in my life to the point that I find it hard to  process the thought of preparing and planning a post. I’ll be the first to admit that I lack total commitment when it comes to my goals and dreams. However, along with a mental breakdown and a pinch of anxiety you discover that you just can’t control everything, and how quickly things can change from one moment to another.

But then again, that’s life in a nutshell!

On a positive note, you learn in life how to handle different circumstances, difficulties and challenges. Considering how we human beings go through various of ‘ups’ and ‘downs’ in the course of a single life span, we still don’t possess the ability to predict the future with certainty, therefore, making it almost impossible to be completely prepared for any storm that may come our way. But despite being unprepared, we learn how to cope and deal with the downswings.

So even when it feels like my life has been turned upside down, and that my emotions, misfortunes and certain events have caught and sent me in a whirlwind of lunacy, I still have to find a way to maneuver my way through it all – even when I can’t seem to find the strength to do so. And through my turmoils I can choose my battles and challenges with great care.

What gives me comfort is the thought that it’s all temporary. Pain is temporary. Your emotions can shift like the seasons. And you learn to handle what needs to be handled and do what needs to be done.

– A.B.

My Blogging Journey And Mistakes Made

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When I started blogging back in 2015, I had a goal and purpose – to write in order to find meaning and clarity in my life. I was hoping and searching for like-minded peers but also a platform and a tool. Back then, I was battling depression and I needed something to pull me through. Writing then became my “medicine”, so I wrote through the emotions and rediscovered myself through written words.

But then it all stopped for a while. I tell myself and others that I haven’t been able to keep up, and there is a truth to it. Nevertheless, as a woman, I battle the guilt of failing or barely keeping it all together; emotionally, physically, socially and mentally.

In the fall of 2016 I found out that I was pregnant and expecting my third child. Following this discovery was the early symptoms of pregnancy and later on depression (once again). Keeping up with my blogging schedule became challenging and as time went by non existent.

Although I enjoy being a part of the blogosphere, I find that it has its up and downs. However, even when I was away, writing was always in my mind – reminding me of my reasons for pursuing it in the first place. And as a fresh new mom of three, I would find myself daydreaming about being in solitude with my mind as my only companion, to write and explore.

I’ve made many mistakes but by being honest and digging deep I’ve discover, once again, that I self sabotage. I get in my way and I do it so well by giving in to fear.

Fear of not being good enough
I enjoyed the journey for a while. I was on a path to something. At times I would get lost in the work, however, with an amateur outlook and attempts. And sadly, I would say I was driven by fear most of the time. Blogging became uncomfortably hard rather than liberating. I put too much pressure on myself because I needed to be and do better. The perfectionist in me took over. I forgot my why I write and blog.

Read: I’m Not Perfect But Good Enough

Fear of being judged (or lack of praise)
It took giant forces to get out of my comfort zone when I started to write and blog for the world to see. However, I was desperately in need of change, so I didn’t mind the “exposure” (though I was being careful by using a pseudonym). Eventually my insecurities took over and I began measuring my success by counting the amount of likes and shares my posts received.

Trying (too hard) to fit in
I got lost in the competing world of blogging and forgetting my voice and intention. Focusing too much on “how to…” guidelines became overwhelming which then planted bad seeds in my head, resulting in me surrendering to fear and more self-doubt.

It’s clear to me, looking back, that mistakes have been made, resulting in a load of burden. I lost focus and tried too hard to fit in, and be something I’m not. Fortunately, my love and passion for writing has never vanished. My enjoyment to express and convey emotions to ‘paper’ is very much alive, hence my Return.

 

– A.B.

My Break From Chaos & The Challenges of Being A Mom

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A lot has changed since fall 2016. I’m one child richer, I have more gray hair (+ extra bodyweight!) and more exhausted than ever. I could sugarcoat everything and say life is just GREAT (I’m on cloud nine, 24/7), I’m great and everything is great! I could say, I don’t miss sleep or the idea of just having the sofa to myself, with no child clinging to me. I could say a lot of things.

But in all honesty, I haven’t been able to keep up with everything (hence my absence here). I mean, what human being can?! Sometimes, something’s gotta give. I’ve tried keeping up several times but failed miserably. Between sleepless nights, cries, worries and tantrums, I’m in awe that we (mothers/parents) manage to raise (hopefully functioning) human beings.

Motherhood is the best and most challenging thing that has happened to me. The rewards are endless!

After almost 10 months, my maternal leave is now over. It’s the end of an era; I’m out of the bubble and back to socializing with other grown ups. And back to my night shift routine. I’m back to a place where my entire day, time and attention doesn’t involve diaper change, spit-ups and worrying. I’m back to owning my boobs.

Nothing is 100% without fault. I love my children. My family. I enjoy different aspects of my responsibilities and life.

But life with kids can be challenging and chaotic at times. Therefor, being back to (night) work gives me a break and time out.

A break from chaos. Time to focus on my own thoughts and creativity. And an opportunity to regroup, so when I go back to the role of “mommy” I’m calm and collected with my sanity intact.
– A.B

Ready To Change, Hello 2018

img_20170222_083923.jpgI say goodbye to 2017. It’s been crappy, life changing and challenging, yet it’s given me memorable moments. and gifted me with much love.

However, looking back, I wouldn’t be the person I am today without those “crappy” experiences and emotions.

I’ve truly fought a battle and came out alive. I survived even though I felt my world was turned upside down. It all sounds a bit dramatic but in all honesty; I was at my lowest point halfway through 2017. I fought no one but my inner thoughts, emotions and demons. I fought hard and it all seemed never-ending.

Nonetheless, it is said that with every pain and through every turmoils there’s knowledge, and there’s always a glimpse (even several) of happy moments. 

Last year had it all: tears, laughter, anger, crazy hormones, fatigue, depression, more tears, shock, more anger. The list goes on and I could go on. Looking back; in the moments I felt my worst I had to accept what is. I was pregnant, I felt crappy, depressed and could barely move around. So with accepting my situation, I learned to not take anything for granted and of course, learn to rest on bad days.

I had to let go of guilt and remind myself (over and over) that I’m only human and there’s  usually light at the end of the tunnel. My “light” was my due-date.

I’ve missed writing. I’ve missed being creative. I’ve missed being me again. I’m hopeful but far from satisfied with every aspect of my personal life and spirituality. I lost small pieces of me along the way whilst putting out fires and creating stability but now I yearn to find me again.

I don’t necessarily have new year resolutions, however, I realize that there are areas in my life that need improving or change – for example; my writing and blogging journey.

The wisdom I take with me in the new year is the fact that I can’t change everything all at once and I can’t control everything. So in the end, “que sera, sera” but change is always unavoidable.
With love,


A.B. small

You’ll Get There, Eventually

Forgive me for my absence. 

However, it has not been for no (good) reason. I write alot about life and once again life proves to be a funny thing full with surprises and lots of OMG moments.

Forrest Gump (or to be fair, his mother) said it so well : ”Life was like a box of chocolate. You never know what you’re gonna get.”

For the past nine months I’ve gone through a though (unexpected) pregnancy with depression as a companion. Four weeks ago, I gave birth to a beautifull baby girl. Scary enough, I’m now a mother of three and life as a mother (parent) is nothing but boring.

Although, I write this in a good state of mind with my baby asleep in my arms, I can’t promise that I’ll be able to be consistent with my blog. As much as I enjoy writing, it’s not always possible for me to find time, space and the conscious to wander off to writing mode.

I don’t stress though. I tell myself «You’ll get there eventually.» Destination unknown, nevertheless, to where I want or need to be.

Stay stunned for more… The journey continues!

Love,

– A.B. –

Whithin An Instant Moment

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I’ve been gone for a while. But still, behind closed doors I’ve been writing, soul searching and living life as it was meant for me, for now. I carry with me new words, new experiences and new life lessons.

He will not cure me.

But for a moment, in his arms I felt love. Hope.
An antidote for my aching heart and broken spirit.

“It’s all going to be alright,” he whispered..

Simple words; in which I knew to be true. Somehow. Not because of him, nor rescued by him. My will was more persistent than any cure. At best, his love and words were a helping hand through it all.

 

With love,

– A.B. –

Proud To Be

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***
I stand strong 

Proud to be
As I am praised 
For the insignificant
But I strive on
My mother’s struggles
Her legacy;
Reminding me of what I am
Who I am in the eye of man
But also who I ought to be
I am today’s woman;
Capable and mighty
In every step I take
I stand and I strive
I am proud to be

****

-A.B.-

​A Broken Record Player

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It has taken me over a month to get here. Losing count of how many breakdowns and crisis I’ve gone through. I’ve been wandering off but getting nowhere. Staring at a blank page but whatever it is, it chooses to keep silent. And like a broken record, I remain untouched.

I feel trapped. Not lost, for somehow reason seems to follow me as it battles to keep me sane. Where do I go from here? A reasonable question as time becones both my enemy and friend.

I don’t know where I’m headed but I’m waiting. Waiting for my destination as I live each moment with every emotion and thought. But whatever I’m headed seem far ahead…too far as if time has chosen to stop and I, catching my breath in the shadows.

I ask, what’s wrong with me? I break down at the thought of my imperfections. Listing my failures …I can’t seem to break free, I’m a prisoner of my thoughts, thus holding the key to freedom. Alas, it all comes back to sensibility.

Honestly, I ask, how on earth I managed to get here. Forgetting that life…oh, life, It’s bigger than any ‘hows’. Beside, asking how has so far got me nowhere.

So what’s next? Oh, I wish I knew. I may have a broken record player, but my melodies still remain to play.

-A.B.-