When I started blogging back in 2015, I had a goal and purpose – to write in order to find meaning and clarity in my life. I was hoping and searching for like-minded peers but also a platform and a tool. Back then, I was battling depression and I needed something to pull me through. Writing then became my “medicine”, so I wrote through the emotions and rediscovered myself through written words.
But then it all stopped for a while. I tell myself and others that I haven’t been able to keep up, and there is a truth to it. Nevertheless, as a woman, I battle the guilt of failing or barely keeping it all together; emotionally, physically, socially and mentally.
In the fall of 2016 I found out that I was pregnant and expecting my third child. Following this discovery was the early symptoms of pregnancy and later on depression (once again). Keeping up with my blogging schedule became challenging and as time went by non existent.
Although I enjoy being a part of the blogosphere, I find that it has its up and downs. However, even when I was away, writing was always in my mind – reminding me of my reasons for pursuing it in the first place. And as a fresh new mom of three, I would find myself daydreaming about being in solitude with my mind as my only companion, to write and explore.
I’ve made many mistakes but by being honest and digging deep I’ve discover, once again, that I self sabotage. I get in my way and I do it so well by giving in to fear.
Fear of not being good enough
I enjoyed the journey for a while. I was on a path to something. At times I would get lost in the work, however, with an amateur outlook and attempts. And sadly, I would say I was driven by fear most of the time. Blogging became uncomfortably hard rather than liberating. I put too much pressure on myself because I needed to be and do better. The perfectionist in me took over. I forgot my why I write and blog.
Fear of being judged (or lack of praise)
It took giant forces to get out of my comfort zone when I started to write and blog for the world to see. However, I was desperately in need of change, so I didn’t mind the “exposure” (though I was being careful by using a pseudonym). Eventually my insecurities took over and I began measuring my success by counting the amount of likes and shares my posts received.
Trying (too hard) to fit in
I got lost in the competing world of blogging and forgetting my voice and intention. Focusing too much on “how to…” guidelines became overwhelming which then planted bad seeds in my head, resulting in me surrendering to fear and more self-doubt.
It’s clear to me, looking back, that mistakes have been made, resulting in a load of burden. I lost focus and tried too hard to fit in, and be something I’m not. Fortunately, my love and passion for writing has never vanished. My enjoyment to express and convey emotions to ‘paper’ is very much alive, hence my Return.