For Her Sake

 

notebooks30.04.2004

Dear Notebook,

It’s been a while but here I am…again. Yet another day has gone by. Nothing has changed, except for the season which shows that summer is near. Soon, it would seem that I’ve managed to survive my first year of high school. Barely.

Nothing has changed at home. I still don’t like him. No shock either that we just haven’t connected, after almost a year. The notion that there’s something about this one cannot seem to escape me. I’ve tried my best. Truly – for her sake. But her choices in men makes it all too difficult.

She’s always made bad choices in men, this one is no fighter
but neither a lover.

As her daughter, I had no choice but to go along with it all. I’m her possession, although in a good sense of it. To her, I’m something precious that needs to be kept safe and close. I know she loves me. But without her knowledge all this Romeo & Juliete is at the expense of my feelings and sanity.

They’ve all claimed I’m no issue but body language doesn’t lie. I’m very much a problem – I’m in the way. I try not to interfere. It’s not my place either. I need to just be and exist in silence.

The issue now, is that he doesn’t like us spending time together. It’s become a competition. One I know I can easily win with no doubt. But I just can’t bother to compete with yet another grown man’s insecurities.

I’m too exhausted. And if I’m honest, I’ll admit that there’s a tiny trace of fear that stops me from entering a ghost race.

We’ve finally settled down, a long dream of hers. Unfortunately, in a small town where everybody knows your name and with the color of my skin it’s hard to blend in. Being one of two black persons in town doesn’t make my attempt unchallenging.

The new girl in town isn’t hard to find if one is determined enough.

Was it love or desperation that drove us here. I’m not sure. She claims love. I claim madness! What’s for sure is that here we are, here I am and soon to be 17.

I won’t make her choose. It wouldn’t be fair. For her sake, it’s only fair that I make a choice. Not tonight though, I’m too tired!

*********************
Happy Friday!

AminaBerg

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