I am nervous. It feels like my heart is beating out of my chest and on display for him to see. I’m going over the story in my head, my story, preparing for more questioning. It’s been awhile and he’s going to need an update. Probably to his surprise, I can share that not all is well. The last time we spoke, I had control over the situation. Now, I have more tears that I can handle and more pain than I can share.
‘Keep it together.’
It’s after hours but in short notice he managed to squeeze me in. Maybe he’ll have some answers. Some enlightenments.
‘I sure do need something.’
I’ve arrived. I approach the building, there he is – opening the sliding doors and welcoming me to yet another session. I’m distracted by his present. The glint in his eyes, his welcoming smile and his firm handshake. An attractive man for his age – forty something. I wouldn’t know, the conversation has only been a one-way street; where I’m the center of attention. Not something I’m comfortable with but it’s suppose to help, they say.
I sit down. He sits on the other side. With a pen and a notebook, he’s ready. It’s my cue to speak. Where should I begin?
I tell him how dark I’ve become, however not referring to the shade of my skin color, but the way I’ve been feeling. That I’ve been depressed lately and things have gone from bad to worse. I share about the occasion desire to harm myself which pops up at my worse days without my control.
I stop for a moment. I notice his pen doesn’t.
I can feel tears pushing through. I stop them on time. I repeat the words “Put a lock on it.” Words that become my mantra. It works and somehow I put my tears on hold. I convince myself that an outburst won’t do any good.
In continuation, I’ve given him something to work on. He’s now ready to dig.
“How do you want to harm yourself”
For Pt. 2 click here.
Happy Friday. Wish you all a pleasant weekend!