When the lights are off, it’s when it all starts. Voices with familiar sounds come to life. Along with the demons I’ve kept hidden. Although not far away. They seem out of control. I let them be. Engaging will lead to more and more I have plenty of. In my wildest dreams is where I escape. It’s safer there – I possess somewhat control. For a moment reality stands still but not time – the only thing out of my reach. My dreams, too big to comprehend frightens me; yet in a dream is where I can be. Nothing is limited. Imagination is endless. In a dream is where fear cease to exist. Not giving nourishment to all demons, I hear their scream in hunger but they are ignored.
Behind the curtains, the moon glows from afar; a glimpse of light shines through. I fall asleep like dreamers do.
The alarm, in its usual high-pitched whines, strikes six – the usual time. It never skips a second. On time to wake me up and bring me back to life once again. I press snooze as I always do. Not to fall back asleep, for what would be the point – every fifteen minutes – it’s just torture in my mind. I can easily find other ways to torture myself if that’s the case. Like pushing my body beyond its limits. It has obviously given up. They call it burned out. I sneer at such remark. The body is made to work. I continue. No stopping.
I lie in bed contemplating on ways to get up, gentle or fast and furious – just rip of the bandage. Gentle it is.
I sit on the side of the bed. My feet reaches the floor. I’m regretting my decision. It’s cold. I predict it’s just the same outside. Ready or not, duty calls.
I put on whatever clean-ish clothes lying on the bathroom floor. I’m not one to glam myself up, not for work anyway. Beside, anyone can see through the cracks.
It’s pitch dark outside. I go as one with darkness, in clothing and appearance. Through a dark alley, street lights guide me onwards, all the way to train station. People, I’m not alone any more. I can’t help but wonder how their morning have turned out. I study them as they pass by and I quickly notice a smile is not as common.
I’m right where it all started. Locked in a prison and I’m the guard. I’ve reached my breaking point but there is always a higher point. Feeling is just too painful but I put a lock on it, for now. Searching for a way out; an easy way out. But I see ahead that the gloomy road is tough to walk through. I don’t possess such bravery.
I remind myself the wise words of mother: “Your body is learning. And soon it will adapt. The strength you need for tomorrow is being imprinted today.” She’s been there. Evidently, everyone’s hurting but no one dares to speak of such hurt.
Work is just ahead. With every step, I get closer to my destination yet so far. The sky is grey and dark like my mood. It’s always dark. I stare at the ground as if it holds the answers I seek – on foot in front of the other, no change. Only movement.
A vrooming sound distracts me, a truck coming in sight with its blinding headlights. Insanity shows its mighty force with a challenging thought; I could just jump in front of it, that would solve a lot.
Indecision carries on and as usual, I do nothing.
Shake it out and keep on walking.
Empty rooms. I’m the first to arrive. Alone in the dark. But with a simple click everything comes to light. Sadly, brightness of the hallway does not succeed to force its way into my heart. I walk the lonely steps to my office. I stare viciously at the tasks on my desk that are beginning to pile up.
A hard day of work will lessen the burden.
I realize I’ve sucked it up for so long, I can suck it up a little while longer. Tomorrow, I press repeat. The alarm is set and a dream awaits – hope. There’s always darkness before the dawn.