I can’t seem to leave the past behind. No matter how bright the light, darkness seems to draw me in – welcoming me to bask in the damn. I find beauty in the present but the shadow of the past blackens it all. I’m nothing but the scary image I portray; leaving all beauty in the dark, hidden away. What was the meaning and what was the point? Alone I came and alone I’ll leave. Leaving behind what could have been.
Self-discovery was a lesson; I learned that the novelty of my being does not matter to the decent. I am not enough, I tell myself; persuading every reason. Knowing it’s wrong, I manage to compare every inch of me to others, like the monster I am. An illness with death to follow, leaving me behind as a casualty. A misfortune with the death of my soul and lost of my being as a consequence.
There is no point of convincing anyone that I matter to the world; an attempt that led to yet another failure. The ghost of my future haunts the living out of me with fear and failure as my companionship. All will come to an end someday, the question is when. So, do I wait or do I live; a life meant for greatness, so I once believed. Why fight when there is more to come? The battle never ends; an enemy never rests, a warrior never gives up. In the eye of misfortune, I pray that I show mercy on my reflection. On my knees, hoping my prayers will be answered; I’m in need of something that can wash away the uncertainties and spark the light of serenity to comfort my soul. But in the irony of it all, I find myself praying to a God I believe do not exist; or a universe that may have forgotten me. All in the act of desperation.
The living ghost I see as I’m once again faced with a distorted image in the mirror; an image I do not recognize. I’m lost in a world of opportunities, none of which can satisfy my hungry soul or fill an empty heart (so it would seem). Where should I go or where should I begin? I am blinded by the countless paths in life and yet captured by the choices in hand; again, with fear and failure as loyal companions. My wasted being on ‘stand-by’ for a better tomorrow, forgetting the control I possess in the name of faithfulness; the control of creation – a vagueness notion yet a hard task to implement that we (the living) control and create our own reality. Nevertheless, here I stand with almost nothing to show for. I say almost only to grasp on the simplicity of gratitude, if not for that, then for what else reason. In mind I ask, when will it all come to an end; the relief or even a small portion of hope behind mountains of hopelessness with an optimistic heart fighting a pessimistic mind. With every ticking of the clock I find a tiny piece missing; a piece of the joyful and insightful girl that used to be – along with faith, clarity and patience. Back and forth, and in circle there is no denying it anymore; I’m lost. And there is no going back to oblivion.
An emotion of not knowing where or who to turn to, I put on a brave face – my mask, to shield my pride. Vulnerability is my harm to bear; my weakness to hide to an expectant audience. I stand alone in a battlefield of emotional chaos. With curiosity remaining I search for something unknown, something that can perhaps satisfy my hunger for meaning and purpose. In my heart, I hold in what seems an impossible dream; reminded to never let go of it. But still, what am I doing here? The notion of my meaningless existence reigns. I need to escape, I want to escape but where and to which direction. The ground I stand on has me pinned; attempting to take a step forward feels like an impossible task. The walls are slowly moving in – one by one. I’m numb to life. I’ve lost all control. I’m searching for answers along with yearning to understand the shadowing insanity that is my being. I’m awake, emotionally. My spirit hasn’t given up. The remaining courage inside of me is boiling to the surface, wanting to show its force. My being wanting to matter once again as the living ghost revealing its visibility as life proceeds its course.