A Letter To My Father

Fatherhood by A.B.

Fatherhood by A.B.

…who missed out on a lot but mainly on the most precious gift in life, namely love.
A letter he never got the chance to receive. Words I never got to share.

Dear father, I forgive you.

But here I am, the daughter you never saw thrive in life. Yet, there was never any doubts; I see with your eyes. The rhythm moves in me, a legacy you unknowingly passed on – the next generation.

There is so much I would like to have said to you but I guess the choices made took away the opportunity, and left many words unsaid. You chose to be absent, while she chose to leave. You gave her no choice while she felt she had no choice. Either way, distance kept us separated. We were never to be reunited – father and daughter.

At times, I wonder if you ever did think of me? Did you ever wonder where life had taken me? Did you ever imagine saying your first word to me? I have, father. I would have started with the simple word of “hello” as my eyes would have probably teared up in the midst of our reunion. It’s hard to understand everything that has happened. One side was only told – the other, your side, was silent. But it’s known to mankind that with every love affair, there is two sides.

In your defence, you were robbed of the opportunity to undo your wrongs as I embarked on a journey of my own with the woman you once loved and cared for – my mother, the woman who sacrificed everything. The one who stayed.

It’s sad to say but the memory of you has become blurry, near to non-existent. In addition, I’m sorry to say that the idea of you – father, sadly died along with my innocence. And with time as the enemy, the image of you has gradually faded away.

Despite your absence I turned out good, strong and with time, happy. Life has been a rollercoaster for me as I’m sure it also has been for you. Nevertheless, life continued without you as it will continue to do so.

You didn’t lose me by letting me go as we were never each other’s significant other. But there is no denying you were always, either consciously or unconsciously  in my heart and mind, and very much a part of my being, either big or small. Although, in my mind, I now imagine you suffered a greater loss than me.

I know now that you were the missing tranquility inside of me. But in my hurtings and failures, I’ve learned that there’s no point of holding on to the past – what happened was not in my control, your actions was not my mistakes to bear but perhaps mine to learn. The situation is what it is and it will never change the reality that I will forever remain a fatherless daughter. However, with time I was able to fill the hole you left in my soul with light, love and gratitude. Your absence became my strength.

In the spirit of you, the tears I shed are not out of sorrow and the words I express are not driven by anger nor hate – but by gratitude. You did so little but you did something; You gave me life.

As you were my first unaware heartbreak that would unconsciously take years to recover from, I rest you in peace with a mended heart and a heartfelt…

goodbye.

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8 thoughts on “A Letter To My Father

    • Amina Berg says:

      I write about my life (my journey); it’s been a difficult life but I heal and let it all go through writing. I don’t always choose the subjects, they sometime choose me. 😉 Thank you for commenting, I appreciate your insight/thoughts.

      Like

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