Total darkness surrounds me and I’m wide-awake noticing the movement of it all rushing through me. Sprinting like the end of the world. Not having time to slow down. Never slowing down. Desperately wanting order to be intact so I can rest. But order seems to be unattainable in the speed of life. Life – the existence of my being. The life I forgot to live as I wore comfortable shoes to prepare me to escape. Dedication to the sprint at all cost. Not much could stop me now except death. But death was not wanted. Nor needed or desired. I was still young; three decades past birth and I had a life to live. Death used to be a reminder. A reminder of living. Now living is a reminder of death. Relax I’ve been told. Take the time off to nurture yourself, they’ve all said. Even him, my through-sickness-and-health partner for now six years. But over and over again I would find myself staring back at those optimistic faces accompanied with pity in their stare with a deer in headlights gaze, not quite sure of what to do or say. In the end, I discovered that just nodding back with a hint of a smile was the answer. Just to keep them off my back. In my previous, yet effortless attempts to nurture myself, I would instead find myself taking care of them. Not for the reason that I did not want to cultivate ‘me’ but for ‘I’ was never a priority. After giving, there was no time for anything else than to plunge in a pool of exhaustion only to repeat it all again.
It’s forenoon and sunrise has emerge long ago. I’m wide-awake noticing the sunlight streaming in and giving the bedroom a light and airy feeling to it. I’ve manage to get six hours of sleep, an improvement from previous nights. I lie awake staring at the ceiling while preparing myself of yet a new day. From a distance, I hear laughter of joy. Laughter of someone who’s world knows no meaning of pain nor sorrow. Someone who’s idea of life is living it all, day by day. Someone who’s idea of comfort consist of hugs and kisses on achieving calm and confident. The innocent yet impetuous being of a child. I could now hear the blissful laughter from the boys approaching the room. One by one, with the youngest first, they dive in with my arms welcoming their well-needed entrance. My source of love and gratitude, I tell myself, at least I’ve done something right. The reminder of love eliminates all fear and with it, welcomes the brilliance of life. Life – a gift I’ve been given.
Daylight and I’m fully present on my routine walk feeling invigorated with the rhythmic slow movements of my feet releasing feel-good hormones, step by step. I’m noticing the bright sunlight blinding my eyes as I walk towards its direction. Not denying its power and warmth. Lifting my head and welcoming it all with a blithe disregard, unaware of future events. The feeling of freedom evokes inside me releasing me of any entrapments. Awakening my true self. At this moment, I had nothing to lose but all to gain. With a sense of calm, I could feel my feet moving one-step at a time towards my destination with no fear nor doubts. I was in alignment with my body and senses with the sun offering light and guidance.
The beauty of life through the light of the sun elevates the essence of my existence. As I walk with my shadow in the now, I choose to surrender with a victorious declaration to the strenuous task of living. I surrender to the notion that life has no certainty, that the beauty of it is solving the mystery. Optimistic surrounds me as I grasp the belief that I have everything I need to obtain what I desire.