Captivity

Don’t be so focus on the word or be alarm by it, no matter how serious and scary the word might sound. I choose to use the word to get my point across to how I feel when it comes to soul searching, evaluating my life and creating a life without limit. Now, there will probably be those of you who won’t quite understand or agree with what I’m about to say – let’s keep in mind that that’s you and I’m me. But feel free to share your thoughts on the matter.

I will start by saying that I have wonderful people in my life. Moreover, I’ve been especially blessed to call myself a mother of two wonderful boys, in addition blessed with a supportive and loving husband. However, is that enough or what life is all about?

For a long time I’ve felt like I was meant for something more in my journey, also called life. Nevertheless, on this journey I’ve gone a bit off course. I now feel I’ve awaken from a robotic state of mind and being, that I now have the courage to explore and think outside the box. But I can assure you that it hasn’t been easy.

I chose an unselfish (others might disagree, but that’s another discussion) and a more traditional path. I’m glad I did because I don’t call it all mistakes nor failure but great experiences and teachings. However, what I find difficult in my life as a daughter, mother, wife, friend, co-worker etc. is finding the balance between selfishness and selflessness and the tension between the two is boiling inside me.

As a mother especially, you’re supposed to give and share; give your love, attention, time, share your thoughts, ideas, interests, experiences and so on. For many the word ‘mother’ is synonymous with giving – a selfless act. I guess the same goes with marriage for many. A give and take “arrangement” but sometimes without the expectations of that if you give, you’ll receive. That would be a calculated and exhausting relationship, if you ask me. Nevertheless, in my opinion there has to be some kind of expectations in any relationship.

What I’m trying to express is that there’s a lot of giving and catering to others in today’s society (for approval, pleasing others and/or acknowledgements), to the point that it becomes easy to forget or even betray ourselves in the process of giving. We become robots trying to please and serve without even realizing why we do what we do – or the more important question; is it what we want to be doing. Many of us become slaves to the rules and norms of today’s society without even stopping for one second and really connect.

“The first step forward success is taken when you refuse
to be captive of the environment in which you first find yourself.”

– Mark Caine

As a married woman and a mother, I feel like society is proclaiming that being selfish cannot be related with the task of being a mother. I’m not allowed to want or yearn for something more. My sole purpose and passion should be about catering to my family and friends. Therefore, I ask is my life over? Should I stop dreaming, needing, wanting, yearning for that something more? Does it make me a bad person for thinking that my life’s purpose doesn’t sole include me being a mother and/or a wife?

Those with no desire to want children will argue that they don’t want to be ‘chained down’ or that they choose to not have children because they choose freedom instead. While I respect their desire and decision to not want children (it’s not for everyone), I ask is having a family synonymous with imprisonment? Like, life is over, let just throw away the key!?

For a long time I’ve limited myself, and at times I still do because of the fear of breaking the mental chains. I’ve captured myself in society’s norms and rules; telling myself I can’t do the things I set to do because of what is expected of me. Now, I don’t consider myself a selfish person (I’m a good girl, remember?) but I’ve come to a point where I’ve given so much that I don’t have anything more to give. My cup has been empty for a while and is in desperate need to be full again. Because honestly, you can’t give what you don’t have. I (still) consider myself as a free human being, but who just needs more rest than others and more planning and thinking ahead. I know my life is not over. And not matter how much I love my children and husband – they need me to be full, happy and content. Not to mention, living my life’s purpose and a life without limits.

“When you say yes to others,
make sure you are not saying no to yourself.”

– Paulo Coelho

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3 thoughts on “Captivity

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