I’ve been asked this question for the past year now, up to the point where I’ve bombarded my mind with the same question, over and over. I’ve somehow been afraid of dwelling too much on the question to a point that I’ve been avoiding it (no matter the bombardments). Nevertheless, one can’t avoid something the mind is too occupied with, or busy trying to find the answer to.
Just the other day I was watching an interview with Oprah on YouTube for Forbes (a part from my mother, she’s my hero!). In this interview, she talks about philanthropy, her career, passion and several other matters. An inspiring interview I may add. At the end of the interview she talks about why she does what she does (you can watch the interview for the answer), and she mentions an interview she had with author of Anatomy Spirit, Caroline Myss on her OWN show SuperSoulSunday. She quotes Caroline Myss (while I’m quoting Oprah from the interview):
“Most people lead their lives following a course that is not their own. That unless you can find your own you will remain off course. So many betray themselves. And that when you betray yourself in relationship [any sort], that you are not different than the person who hurt you.”
After she said that it really struck a nerve and I experienced what Oprah calls an “aha” moment, because 1) it felt accurate to me and 2) I’ve felt off course for a while now (so it felt true. For years, I’ve been following a course that hasn’t been resonating with what lies within and what Oprah said in that interview reinforced my conclusion on what I’ve been feeling.
So…what do I want?
In a sense, I don’t think I lack happiness nor gratitude in my life, but rather meaning and purpose. The lack of meaning and purpose tends to make me question my existence at times. And since I consider myself as a thinker, I tend to think too much on matter such as: Why are we here? What’s the meaning with all of this? Do we all have a purpose? Why, you ask. My answer is that I’m curiuos of life.
At this moment, what I truly desire is a peaceful mind. Therefore, I meditate, read and write. Because for me, without a peaceful mind, I can’t get anywhere, yet alone from point A to point B.
For so long I’ve been focusing on “what do they want and need” that “I” wasn’t something that would take my attention, or occur to me to even focus on. Moreover, when the “what do you want”-question would come up, I would brush it off while denying myself to explore the matter further more.
In life, we tend to get caught up in other people’s opinion, thoughts, wants and so on, that we forget the person that plays the most important role in our lives, namely ourselves. The consequence is that in the end we lose touch of what’s important to us or what should be important to us.
Nevertheless, I’m fascinated by the reason(s) why we tend to lead our lives following a course that’s not our own. Now, I’m sure there are millions of reasons to why we lead our lives off course but from my point of view, I consider the following reasons to be the main reasons. However, keep in mind that it’s based on my experiences and journey so far in life.
It’s easier to betray ourselves than others. It’s easier to convince ourselves to do what we should do (or should be doing) rather than convince others of what we really want (and why we want it).
Fear of failing and disappointments.
We don’t believe that the course we want is realistic based on society’s standards and norms. And it happens, that our dreams and desires are in conflict with the reality we find ourselves in.
It’s hard to say what the solution is, because one solution may work for me but not necessarily for someone else. But if we are aware of what’s going on in our lives, it’s a start – a good one.
Now, I allow myself to explore the question of what I want – what I really want, (feel like I’m unintentionally quoting the Spice Girls right now) and how can I attain what I want. Betraying myself is not an option – been there, done that.
So…what do you want?