The state of depression cannot be described only by one word. From experience, it’s a state of multiple emotions, and the condition is complex like the human mind and life. When depress, a person battles several emotions, sending that person in a stream of emotional mess.
I’ve come to a point in my life where I don’t fear sharing so much of my thoughts and emotions. I have a past that I haven’t necessarily dealt with, and trying to deal with now. That’s one of the main reasons I’m on this spiritual journey that has led me here amongst other things.
Just the other day I felt all kinds of emotions, more like an emotion rollercoaster. First and foremost, I felt angry for the cards I’ve been dealt and angry at myself for feeling the way I did (and do at times). In addition, angry for battling several emotions such as lost, anger, sadness, joy, stuck, confuse, unworthy, loved, grateful, loneliness and the worst of them all, emptiness. No wonder I’m confuse! In the mist of all the downswings, every emotion and act feels like another mountain to climb, after successfully moving pass a previous obstacle.
Everything seems to be so dark that it would take the sun hitting me right in the face to “snap” me out of it all. The ability to be in control of life seems also to have vanished. Taking the first step is also difficult nor knowing which direction to choose. Believing things will get better also seems laughable at times. Like seriously?
I’ve experience several of all the above descriptions given, but the good and positive side of all this is that I’m still able to be optimistic about the future. I’ve yet been sucked in the deepest and darkest hole of depression. I can still enjoy the small things of life. I can still find the will to get up in the morning (not always easy though). Additionally, I still find joy in the things I use to love and still do.
“When you get stranded, the way to start moving again
is not to search for an answer but to find a new question
to which your life can be the answer” – Jennifer Krause
They say that after the storm the sun always shines. Nevertheless, this is true for the struggles and problems of life. I know from previous experiences that I’ve come out strong with one life lesson richer. With every problem there’s a solution – I just haven’t found the solution to this current problem (yet).
“I don’t know how to do this but something inside does”
– From Gratitude & Trust, by Paul Williams & Tracey Jackson
So, for now I take it all day by day and I try to focus (as much as I can) on the positive side of life. I choose to embrace the pain and welcome the unknown. And most importantly, trust that all this is leading to something greater.
PS: I love quotes and sayings, both quotes and several other “quotables” can be found at www.oprah.com