It all started in the early fall of 2014. I was gradually feeling the absence of me and a belief that I had failed those around me, including myself.
I should have paid more attention to my body, mind and instincts. Instead, I kept on going. As humans, we are not always good at reading the signs leading to pain. We involve ourselves in insignificant things that tend to occupy our minds and lives, which in the end blinds us of recognizing the important aspects of life or even of what’s to come.
Before total darkness, the signs (or symptoms) often appear to either prevent the outcome or prepare ourselves for a rocky journey. Ignoring the signs given in small fractures in our everyday lives tend to leave us in a state of confusion and sense of lost.
I ignored the signs (even symptoms) and was not true to myself. I kept on going for the sake of pleasing others. I gave it my all while not realizing that I was slowly losing myself in the process.
Now… I am in a state of sadness and downswings. The voice inside me is yearning for answers and purpose. I cannot think straight and for some reason I cannot make a decision for my life. I feel lost, sorrow and at times unworthy of it all. I would give anything for a simple answer or task to make me feel in control again. However, nothing is simple – not in the reality, I find myself trapped in.
I put on a smile hoping that someone would see through it all, completely aware that hiding behind a smile is something I do well.
«The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform and to be greater than our suffering» – Ben Okri
We are humans, and pain is inevitable. I still feel pain but I choose to stop fighting what is inevitable. Reminding myself that after pain there is the realization that we are unbreakable. I believe there is a lesson to be learned but I just haven’t comprehend the lesson behind it all. However, I am alive and patiently waiting.
«Only the devil doesn’t feel pain» – Amina Berg