The Absence of Light and Clarity

It all started in the early fall of 2014. I was gradually feeling the absence of me and a belief that I had failed those around me, including myself.

I should have paid more attention to my body, mind and instincts. Instead, I kept on going. As humans, we are not always good at reading the signs leading to pain. We involve ourselves in insignificant things that tend to occupy our minds and lives, which in the end blinds us of recognizing the important aspects of life or even of what’s to come.

Before total darkness, the signs (or symptoms) often appear to either prevent the outcome or prepare ourselves for a rocky journey. Ignoring the signs given in small fractures in our everyday lives tend to leave us in a state of confusion and sense of lost.

I ignored the signs (even symptoms) and was not true to myself. I kept on going for the sake of pleasing others. I gave it my all while not realizing that I was slowly losing myself in the process.

Now… I am in a state of sadness and downswings. The voice inside me is yearning for answers and purpose. I cannot think straight and for some reason I cannot make a decision for my life. I feel lost, sorrow and at times unworthy of it all. I would give anything for a simple answer or task to make me feel in control again. However, nothing is simple – not in the reality, I find myself trapped in.

I put on a smile hoping that someone would see through it all, completely aware that hiding behind a smile is something I do well.

«The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform and to be greater than our suffering» – Ben Okri

We are humans, and pain is inevitable. I still feel pain but I choose to stop fighting what is inevitable. Reminding myself that after pain there is the realization that we are unbreakable. I believe there is a lesson to be learned but I just haven’t comprehend the lesson behind it all. However, I am alive and patiently waiting.

«Only the devil doesn’t feel pain» – Amina Berg

5 thoughts on “The Absence of Light and Clarity

  1. Amina Berg says:

    Reblogged this on Amina Berg and commented:

    A blast from the past:

    “Only the devil doesn’t feel pain”

    Reading old posts like this one, just brings back memories of the time when darkness seems to have taken over. At a time when clarity was most needed but absent, a time where I had more questions than answers. I made it through the dark but we all know where there is light, darkness awaits – pain is inevitable. However through time we can heal open wounds and broken hearts!



  2. passajer says:

    It is always difficult to respond to thoughts and experiences like these. I could say I recognise the darkness and the slow disappearance of myself. Then the slow process of realising creativity was one of the things missing. It made me dig deep inside myself and start to rediscover that person who had almost disappeared. And the person who reappeared was a better version of what had been before.
    But it is difficult to reflect and compare with others because who is to say whether anyone’s experiences is the same as anyone else’s?


    • Amina Berg says:

      True, no one’s experiences is the same in situations like these. But we all can relate, either from personal experience or knowing someone who’s been there. I can say, it’s not a good place to be – but I guess, the “best” part was that it makes you dig deep inside (as you mention). Hard as hell, but necessary!


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